I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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