After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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