Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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