the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
