my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
