In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize