masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
