Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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