yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
