did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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