today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
