Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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