and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
