we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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