I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
