remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
