I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Why is your signature on my underwear?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I think your dad took our porno
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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