I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
