i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Porn is love you can see.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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