i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
