my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
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