yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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