i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
