I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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