Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
