yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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