So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
