Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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