I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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