He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
