My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
