I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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