it's too hot outside to masturbate.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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