he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
