I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
