Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
