Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
