i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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