the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
