I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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