watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
