mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
