Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
