I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
