I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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