awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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