Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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