I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
