I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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