I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
