Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
