you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
