Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
